We frequently feel misunderstood due to the unpredictable gap between what we say and how others interpret it. This discrepancy can lead to communication breakdowns, resulting in frustration, irritation and discouragement. Unexpected misunderstandings disrupt our lives, causing hurt feelings and rifts in relationships.
Here are the 8 most common pitfalls they find themselves falling into, which occur silently without them realising, whilst they are communicating.
1. Believing that the way we speak is clear and understandable
How often do we find ourselves repeating the same information to the same person without any impact? For example, a parent or teacher might conclude a lengthy discussion with, “Do you agree?” In this situation, the child may simply nod in agreement, but the conversation is unlikely to result in any real understanding. Instead, if the parent patiently asks the child to summarize the key points discussed, they can clarify any doubts or misunderstandings that may arise.
2. Saying it in an SMS
If you want to convey an important message, text messages and social media make it more complicated rather than simpler. This is because they lack important information such as tone, context and clarification. This missing information will give rise to assumptions, lead to unpredictable interpretations, and cause unjustified tensions.
3. Avoiding honesty
Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s emotions and opinions clearly and effectively without offending or attacking the person one is speaking to. Assertiveness involves striking a balance between letting others know, at appropriate times, what one wants and what one’s needs are, whilst being mindful of others’ wishes and needs.
4. Believing that one’s point of view is the truth
Two sparrows were blissfully enjoying the cool air on the same tree, which was a willow.
One was perched at the top of the willow, the other lower down on a fork in the branches.
After a while, the sparrow at the top, just to break the ice after his siesta, said: ‘Oh, how beautiful these green leaves are!’
The sparrow sitting below took this as a provocation. He replied irritably: ‘Are you blind? Can't you see they're white?!’
And the one above, annoyed: ‘You're the one who’s blind! They’re green!’
And the other one from below, with his beak pointing upwards: ‘I'll bet my tail feathers they're white. You don’t understand a thing. You're mad!’
The sparrow perched on the treetop felt his anger boil and, without a moment's hesitation, swooped down on his opponent to teach him a lesson. The other sparrow remained still. As they faced each other, their neck feathers ruffled with anger, they took a moment to look in the same direction — upwards. The sparrow coming from above let out an ‘Oh’ of wonder: “Look at that, they're white.”
Turning to his friend, he suggested, “Why don’t you come up to where I was before?”
They flew up to the highest branch of the willow, and this time they exclaimed in unison, “Look at that — they’re green!”
This imparts the wisdom of the ages: “Don’t judge anyone until you've walked an hour in their shoes.”
5. The defensive stance
A defensive attitude can arise from fear, a desire to avoid pain, or attachment to specific goals. When we become defensive, we cease to understand the other person and retreat into self-preservation.
6. Giving advice when it hasn’t been asked for
When we listen, if we do not engage in active listening, we often interpret what the speaker is saying. This interpretation can involve drawing analogies, fixating on a particular word that leads us elsewhere, piecing together our own scenarios, or imagining stories —all of which may have little to do with the actual message being conveyed.
To achieve better communication, we need to focus on truly listening and quieting our inner thoughts. This means that when I listen, I don’t think about how to respond, seek advice, or look for solutions. Instead, I concentrate on being present in the moment, allowing the other person the space to express themselves fully.
7. Consistently interrupting the person talking to you.
Interruptions can be irritating and almost always bring a conversation to a standstill. Here’s a typical family conversation:
Son: “Have you heard about what's happening in Syria?”
Father: “Bah!”
Mother: “Is the soup salty enough?” Son: “That’s a problem, isn’t it?” Father: “Yes.”
Son: “So, what do you think?” Father: “You're right, it needs a bit more salt.”
Mother: “Here you go.”
Son: “It’s strange how things could have gotten this far.”
Mother: “What mark did you get in math?”
Father: “I’ve never understood anything about math.”
Mother: “It’s cold tonight...”
8. Believing that the information one hears is the truth
The vast number of media channels and the endless flow of information can cloud our judgment and create confusion. This is especially true when it comes to generalizations (such as “ young people don’t want to work”), inaccuracies (like “you're always late!”), rumours (e.g., “this manager has a bad reputation”), and fake news.
So, whom and what should we believe? We need to transform information into knowledge by gathering data and analysing it to form sound judgments.