It’s Possible… to Connect With Your Teenager!

Adolescence calls for extra guidance, yet it is also when teenagers are most likely to resist our suggestions. Connecting with teenagers is quite a challenge!

A puzzle with a solution

‘When he needs help most, he defiantly scorns and rejects everything we say, even what seems to us the most obvious and sensible!’

Yes, you’re right. Adolescence (11–18 years) is the period of the strongest opposition and, at the same time, the greatest need for help.

Let’s start with the need for help. Adolescents go through great mental confusion.

They confuse love with infatuation, freedom with self-indulgence, criticism with nit-picking, and intimacy with silence. In short, a state of utter mental disorder which, if left uncorrected, can have serious consequences in the future. The trouble is that at no other stage of life do we encounter such fierce, resolute opposition.

Psychologists use the term ‘oppositional self-assertion’ to describe how adolescents assert themselves by opposing everything and everyone. The adolescent asserts his or her identity through opposition: he or she exists by resisting! We are not just spouting empty words: we are capturing reality. Two examples.

Ricky’s father (aged 13) tells him that he also likes the headphones he’s just bought. From that moment on, Ricky stops listening to it.

Soraya (aged 15) goes to buy a pair of jeans. Before paying for them, she asks the shop assistant: ‘If I change my mind, could I exchange them?’ The shop assistant replies: ‘Why would you want to exchange them?’ ‘You never know, in case my mum likes them.’

At this point, it’s easy to draw the conclusion: on the one hand, the urgent need for help; on the other, total rejection!

In short, it’s quite a puzzle to connect with our young people and to find a place in their minds and hearts. Is it impossible to reach our ‘digital’ youngsters?

We believe we have the solution to the problem in a proposal. A proposal that has two parts.

The first is to choose words that resonate with the way today’s teenagers think.

The second is to present those words tactfully so as not to offend their hypersensitivity.

Words stripped down to their bare essentials

As for the way words are put together, it’s simple: young people today love texting. It’s plain for all to see: our young people tweet and chirp away. Their language is terse, brief, snappy and energetic. We’re on safe ground when we say that, since 1991 (the year the Web era began), teenagers have never been so averse to ‘lectures.’

So, messages stripped down to the bare essentials.

The indirect method

As for how to present these ideas, we do not believe there is any better approach than the indirect method. Speaking head-on, confronting the youngster directly, is tantamount to engaging in a fierce battle – a battle in which the winner will always be them, who are younger than us and perhaps even more articulate. Not only does the direct approach achieve nothing, but it actually makes the situation worse.

It is definitely better to use the indirect approach.

An example. The family are in the car. Dad is driving, mum is sitting next to him, and their teenage son is in the back seat. Suddenly, dad (without involving the boy!) asks mum: ‘What did you think of the film we watched on Netflix last night?’ Mum replies: ‘I didn’t mind it, but all that swearing! They think they’re grown-ups, but really, swearing is just vulgar!’

The father concludes: ‘I agree! You’re absolutely right: swearing is like a donkey’s bray in the middle of a concert!’

There you have it: the son wasn’t asked for his opinion, but he heard what was said. He heard it and, if he wishes, he might open his mind to our view on coarse language. This is the indirect method to which we are entirely sympathetic. Another example of an indirect method is leaving a book suitable for the boy in the kitchen, the living room or his bedroom.

An indirect approach is to chat about this and that during a meal (particularly at dinner), talking about how the day went, sharing your views on things you’ve read in the newspaper or seen at work – all without coming across as patronising, but with the utmost spontaneity.

Words spoken off the cuff often have a powerful impact on a child because they reveal our thoughts and opinions and the values we hold dear, unfiltered.

The well-known Italian-American educationalist Leo Buscaglia used to say that his code of life had been shaped by the words his father would casually drop at the dinner table with such spontaneity that they rang true. His father would tell him: ‘It is essential to love. Never betray yourself. If you conquer others, you are strong; if you conquer yourself, you are powerful. Money doesn’t satisfy everything. You can be as good as dead at 16: all it takes is to give up.’

It’s not a miraculous solution, but one we feel we must acknowledge and it has two merits: it never harms a child’s upbringing and (most importantly!) it often works!

Adolescents assert themselves by opposing everything and everyone. They assert their identity through opposition: he or she exists by resisting!