In fact, we have a great responsibility when it comes to the words we use; they are not harmless: they can heal or hurt a person. That is why they must be chosen carefully.
On several occasions I’ve pointed out the meaning of certain expressions used by people, I am relatively familiar with, I’ve been met with the response, “It’s just a figure of speech.” Let me clarify that these discussions were not about trivial matters like what to have for dinner or which film to watch; rather, they concerned more significant issues closely related to the human experience. In these situations, when someone shares something personal, it can be frustrating to receive only a catchphrase, cliché, or a prejudiced response in return.
The words we choose carry significant power in communication and relationships. It is inappropriate to use them randomly or without thought, simply to avoid the effort of carefully selecting our words or, when necessary, even remaining silent. Neuroscience, psychological research, and studies on communication have all confirmed what we often sense from personal experiences: when someone responds to us in a certain way — using specific words and a particular tone—we may feel understood, or we may not.
I've often heard the phrase “after all, they're just words,” but this is a cliché that doesn’t hold true. The language we use reflects our thoughts and the type of people we are; it reveals what we have absorbed and never questioned, as well as the values (or anti-values) we uphold.
Many thinkers have explored this topic, particularly Professor Eugenio Borgna in his book “Responsabilita e speranza” (Einaudi 2016). He emphasizes that we have a responsibility regarding the words we choose. Words are not harmless; they can either heal or harm a person. We must carefully consider, select, and modulate our words because we participate in a relationship where it’s not just about “me” and my perception of the world.
When I was a young girl, we used to say, “Count to 10 before you speak.” This advice may be even more relevant today, especially as communication has become fragmented, rapid, and digital. People are reacting to stimuli at lightning speed, leaving little time to truly listen and understand the complete message someone is trying to convey. Many individuals prefer to finish conversations quickly, often growing impatient and jumping to conclusions about what the other person has yet to express. There simply isn’t enough time. I would like to provide some clear and common examples of phrases used in family, social, and professional contexts without considering the potential impact they may have on others.
- “With all the problems I already have, now you're adding to them too...”
This phrase suggests to a husband, wife, or child that we are overwhelmed with issues, and they are contributing to those problems. Hearing this is not pleasant. A better way to express this might be: “I’m sorry, I’m not in the right frame of mind today. If you'd like, we can talk about it some other time.”
- “After all the sacrifices I’ve made for you...”
The speaker, whether consciously or not, positions themselves as a self-sacrificing victim, making the other person feel like a freeloader. A better way to express this might be: “I’ve always tried to act in your best interests. I may have been mistaken, but I didn’t realize it at the time.”
- “I told you so.”
These are words every child has heard repeatedly from their parents and are typical of someone who feels superior to the other person. However, this phrase is damaging and humiliating; it accuses you of wrongdoing before you even have a chance to explain yourself. A more constructive way to say this is: “Let's figure out how we can prevent this from happening again.”
- “You don't understand a thing.”
This is a disrespectful remark that certainly does not encourage dialogue. If the other person hasn’t understood, it might be because you haven’t communicated clearly; after all, they can’t read your mind. Instead, you could say: “Perhaps I didn’t explain myself clearly.”
- “You can’t do anything right; I’d better do it myself!”
This statement conveys frustration but undermines the other person’s confidence. It would be more constructive to express your feelings and offer assistance instead. When someone truly cares for another person, they don’t remind them of their mistakes, belittle them, or make them feel inadequate. Instead, they show patience and strive to help. It’s more effective to say, “I find this difficult too. Come on, let's try it together!”
“He/she is better than you”
Expressions like this creates a sense of being constantly tested, compared to others, and judged as inferior or incapable. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness, jealousy, and unhealthy competition. There’s no simple phrase that can address this issue; rather, it requires us to eliminate the bad habit of making comparisons and constantly feeling scrutinized. We should learn to love and value ourselves as we are while also accepting our own imperfections without allowing them to define us.
I'll conclude here, but many phrases are often spoken thoughtlessly —slipping out without intention—rather than coming from a heart that has been trained in mindfulness and genuinely cares for the other person.