Sometimes, within a family, expectations arise that have little to do with the choice to love and the desire to be loved. This happens between husband and wife, between children and parents, and in relationships between siblings.
In the economic sphere, the contrast between debts and credits is well known. Those who owe money to someone have a legal or moral duty to settle what is owed and often face the difficulty – and sometimes the impossibility – of doing so; whilst those who are owed money have a legal or moral right to be repaid what is due to them. Jesus, too, used this image in the parable of the creditor who is forgiven a huge sum, yet fails to do the same for someone who owed him a small amount.
But it is above all in Jesus’ prayer that this theme is expressed: ‘Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors.’ The question of debts and credits is shifted to the personal level of our relationship with God and with our brothers and sisters, and it concerns not material goods but the dynamics of our relationships. In the background lies the commandment of love, which links love for God with love for our brothers and sisters, and, in this case, with forgiveness. This comparison between financial debts and forgiveness is apt: very often, paying off a debt takes time, and if the debt is substantial, one asks to be able to ‘pay it off in instalments’; the same applies to forgiveness, which always takes time, and between the choice to forgive and the result of allowing one’s heart to find the peace that forgiveness brings, time is needed.
In friendships and especially in marriages, there are certain responsibilities that depend on the quality and strength of the relationship. In marriage, these responsibilities are part of the initial covenant, whether civil or sacramental. Marriage does not rely solely on spontaneity; love is also a conscious choice and decision. This is particularly true when we take the initiative to love our partner, to love first, and to accept things that may not feel natural to us, but that we embrace for the sake of the other person. As Paul writes: “Owe no one anything, except to love one another” (Romans 13:8–10).
However, some debts and expectations can turn into demands that stray from the genuine choice to love and be loved. This often occurs between husbands and wives regarding intimacy or family responsibilities, leading to phrases like, “I did this for you, but you didn’t…” Similarly, parents and children can fall into this dynamic, where parents expect their children to be eternally grateful for the sacrifices made in raising them, while children may feel entitled to certain privileges. Many adult children harbour resentment towards their parents for things they feel should have been done but were not. Parents sometimes resort to emotional blackmail with statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you!” Meanwhile, children respond with phrases like, “You brought me into this world, so you owe me this or that.”
There are often debts and claims that arise even between siblings, particularly when one feels that the other has been favored or given more opportunities, or that the parents have not been fair in distributing their resources. There may be substantial truth in these feelings, as love is inherently imperfect.
The words of the Lord’s Prayer serve as a powerful reminder to address our debts and claims. In the presence of God, who can set aside any claim we might have against Him, we are encouraged to reflect on how we handle the claims we believe we’re entitled to make, as well as the debts we frequently overlook. This approach is not about being overly lenient or ignoring injustices; it is important to confront issues directly. However, after acknowledging these truths, we have the opportunity to decide whether we can treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves, even while recognizing our own imperfections and vulnerabilities.
Owe no one anything, except to love one another